• THE WEEK IN AMBRIDGE 12/2/17

    We start with Helen getting a huge ‘attagirl’ from Deep Pip. Helen is remarkably calm. “Rob’s gone.” Things are good at Bridge Farm, Pat is making brownies. “Try not to worry too much about Henry.” Apparently the Synthetic One has been acting up. He helps Pat make brownies. “Mummy says you were a bit grumpy this morning.” “No I wasn’t – I don’t want daddy to go away.” Pat tries to explain. “I wish he would come back,” grumps the Turkey-Baster Boy. You are in a party of one, kid.

    PC Carpet is in a terrible huff about nobody turning up for nets, Fallon is sympathetic, but not at all interested in cricket. “It’s lonely at the top.” But things get a little too heated for a discussion about the dreary Ambridge cricket team. Fallon asks about the Dark Lord and Carpet knows nothing.

    Out amongst the sound effects of sheep, Pip wants her milking shifts changed with Ruth so she can go out with ‘honest and truthful’ Toby. Brookfield is gearing up for lambing. Ruth quizzes her about Toby’s Brighton flit and Pip skirts round it. Ruth is concerned about the money that she’s ‘lent’ him for the gin business.

    Later, PC Carpet shows up at Bridge Farm with news. Rob has skipped the country and flown to Minneapolis. Good. At this news, the Half-Dark Child wails a bit. Carpet says that the Dark Lord is still “A person of interest” to the rozzers. Helen tells Kirsty about the good news. Kirsty wants to go out to celebrate, but Helen is still concerned about the effect that the potential kidnap is still having on Henry.

    Lillian and Justin wake up together in another illicit tryst at the Dower House. Miranda is well away this time. Justin gets breakfast for Lillian. Lillian has forgotten her phone and pops out to the car to get it. She bumps into Eddie. ‘Well, well, well – fancy meeting you here.” He’s dropping off some logs for Justin. Eddie susses exactly what’s going on. Later, Lillian natters on about some work thing, but priapic Justin has no mind for business…

    Lynda is next up to congratulate Helen at the shop and even buys some of the mouldy kumquats from last week – a triumph for exotic fruit magnate Helen. Eddie runs round to Lynda on some pretext and tries to drum up business fixing her guttering. Lillian arrives, demanding a chat with Eddie. She wants him to avoid any “lurid speculation” and threatens him with loss of income from the estate and from Amside if any rumours start.

    At the vets, Anisha beards Alastair – Anisha is upset as her drinking contest with Jazzer has made her famous. She confesses to cheating to win. She wants to do something to change her image. She hits the shop to find Susan and confesses to cheating in the drinking contest. “That’s all strictly between ourselves.”

    Josh has found a load of badges and parts for Tony’s Fordson. He wants £360. Tony is a bit stunned. Josh hits the chicks with Rex, very happy about his huge business deal – he has marked up the tractor parts by 40%. Rex is upset by the unreasonable profit margin.

    Susan and Dirty Clarrie are yoghurt-making. Susan immediately passes on the Anisha gossip as she was supposed to do. Susan and Clarrie are happy that someone got one up on Jazzer. Clarrie almost spills the beans about Justin and Lillian, but says too much anyway. “You don’t have to spell it out for me, Clarrie, I can guess.” The cat is well and truly out of the bag and scampering about the village. Kenton quickly finds out and drops the hint to Jennifer in the shop. Ambridge is a tiny, tiny place. “You are really not helping, Kenton.”

    Tony is with his beloved Fordson and Alistair. He’s fitted the parts and has the cash ready when Josh turns up. Gentleman Josh gives him £50 back after his chat with Rex. “That sounds pretty fair to me.”

    PC Carpet is still worried about recruiting a full team and still bickering with Fallon. Fallon suggests trying the fairer sex. “You’re a genius.” He instantly tries to recruit Fallon, who demurs.

    Justin has taken Lillian racing, but unfortunately Miranda is heading back to Ambridge for the weekend. “I’m going to miss you terribly.” Meanwhile, Jennifer is moaning to Brian about her sister’s indiscretion. Lillian turns up half-cut from the racing, dressed to the nines and is taken off for a lecture by Jennifer. Justin calls Brian and invites him and Jennifer to a dinner-dance with him and Miranda. Jennifer jumps at the offer as a way for showing that Justin and Miranda are a happy couple.

    The Pyrex Kid is still acting up. He calls Jack “that smelly baby.” Helen is with Kirsty and Jazzer. Peggy turns up and Henry is rude to her. Peggy gets some time with Kirsty after speaking to Tom about the pregnancy. Peggy was “really sweet and kind” and has given Kirsty a large cheque from Tony’s inheritance, then she says how proud she is of Helen. The Pyrex Kid brains Jack with a toy brick and runs for it. Peggy totters after him and has a “nice little chat.” That seems to have changed him. Peggy tells Helen that The Evil One told Henry that he wasn’t his real daddy and that’s what’s been upsetting him.

    Jazzer has a problem with a pig and Anisha turns up to have a look. Jazzer is very sniffy with her about the rigged drinking contest - “it’s a code of honour.” Jazzer then asks her out. “There’s nothing doing.” She tries to stalk off and she falls over in the pig shit.

    Jennifer is rummaging through her closet, picking a dress for the dinner dance, wanting to outdo Miranda. A straining at the seams, silver-sheathed Lillian barges into the room – Miranda can’t do to the dance and Justin has invited Lillian to partner him. Jennifer is crushed. “Oh, Brian.”

    Helen and Pat discuss the psychological damage inflicted on the Synthetic Child by Rob “I am not your father, Luke” Vader. Later, at bedtime, Henry asks “why did daddy say he wasn’t real?” “Because he wasn’t there when you were in my tummy.” Fair enough, Helen. After Henry is put to sleep (not like that), Pat suggests counselling for the little tyke.

    At the dinner dance, Jennifer is still very down. Justin and Lillian are having a ball. Lynda is there, which upsets Jennifer even more. Lillian and Justin hit the floor, dancing extravagantly. Brian and Jennifer chat to Lynda but…”Look at Lillian and Justin.” She leaves. “Oh, Brian – that’s not dancing – it’s shameless.” Brian, a very old hand when it comes to conducting affairs is less worried.

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The Week In Ambridge

The Week In Ambridge

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I am a new listener to The Archers - my Mother started me at birth, so I have only been listening for 46 years. Apologies if I get things wrong.

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