THE WEEK IN AMBRIDGE 12/3/17
By Campbell Mitchell, Mar 12 2017 12:31PM
PC Carpet is bearded by Lynda – she wants a twenty limit imposed in the village. Carpet is more interested in trying to interest Roy in cricket coaching. Miranda is on the warpath, registering a complaint against Kirsty with Lynda. Kirsty refers to her as “that pain in backside”, and then goes on at length about how vile the customers are.
Grundy Towers is having problems with fake tan stains on the sheets and massive loo roll usage.
Carpet and Roy are secretly training the new women recruits, including Lilly and the legendary Molly Button. Roy dubs la Button as “completely immune to coaching.” It doesn’t look good.
Kirsty has a large, dark cloud over her as Roy returns from cricket coaching. She even snaps at Roy. “Keep out of my business.” She really lays in to him and he retires, hurt, to make a chilli.
Shula and Lillian are interrupted by Miranda – she wants to join Lillian for a ride. Lillina complements Miranda on her horse. “I’d ride him in an instant.” “I bet you would.” Miranda lets Lillian have it about the affair. “Let me make this clear – you will not disrupt my marriage any more.” Lillian retreats to lick her wounds with Shula - “no more social secretary for me.” Shula is worried about the knock-on effect for the stables, now that Miranda won’t be around as much as usual.
Carpet again tries to interest Deep Pip in the cricket. She refuses, but Ruth thinks she should “go for it.” “Oh, go on, then.” Later, at a very busy Bull, Lillian gets smashed and Toby is made up as his gin has started to run clear. Pip and Toby then head back to the calving shed. After five minutes, Toby wants to go back to the Bull, which he does. Lillian in now totally pie-eyed and has cornered Carpet, filling him with relationship advice. Toby returns to the shed, just in time to help Pip drag a stuck squelchy calf from a cow. It’s not breathing, so Pip gives it the kiss of life. Success. “That was awesome,” says Toby.
Jazzer unexpectedly meets Kirsty, out for a pre-dawn walk. It is safe to say that Kirsty is not herself. Jazzer is off to re-instate the polytunnels for Brian and Adam. After, Brain and Adam discuss the impact of Brexit on their fruit pickers – maybe no more hunky Pavels coming over? Iain will be pleased. Then it moves on to Lillian – the two adulterers are pretty scathing about Lillian’s behaviour, which is a little unfair, given the history of father and step-son. Kirsty turns up at the café, asking for shifts. She seems to be trying to fill all her spare time with activities – she even wants to be considered for Carpet’s cricket team. “You???” says Fallon. The fact that Kirsty has been overlooked by Carpet upsets her a great deal and she shouts at Fallon. She leaves the café crying and is found by Helen, who holds her as she sobs her heart out. “There was going to be this new person and now it’s gone…it was my fault, I didn’t want him enough.”
Toby is rudely awoken by Pip. Some cows have got out and he has to help. The cows are mixed up with some of Brian’s. It goes well and Toby and Pip drive the cows back down the road towards their field. Ed calls and reports that there are more cows loose. They head off on the quad to find the errant cows. Ed has parked them on Home Farm land. After that, Pip and Toby mend the fences the cows have trampled. Pip calls Ed, swears him to secrecy and then takes Toby to the Bull for a late breakfast.
Peggy, in full matriarch mode, calls Lillian, deep in the depths of her hangover. She wants to meet… She heads round. “I’ll come straight to the point – I’ve heard rumours about you and Justin Elliot – have you been having an affair with him?” Lillian confesses. “You had a affair with a married man.” Lillian gets it in the neck. “Marriage is sacred.” Pompous old biddy.
Alistair and Anisha are examining Damson, a frisky horse in Shula’s stable. Aziz and Amir (the Elliot’s horses) are leaving – no surprises there. Damson has a thorn in her eye. Anisha wants to remove the eye, which she does alone. Alastair is impressed by her skills, but less than impressed than Anisha looks like she might be joining the cricket team.
Carpet has organized another cricket meeting. “How are we going to save Ambridge Cricket?” He pushes the women agenda again. Loud and horrible Will tries to shout him down. There’s a lot of grumbling, lead by Will the Sexist. As a final twist of the knife, Carpet has an email from arch-rivals Darrington. The hated Darrington have offered a merger. There are now three choices – mixed cricket, cricket with the hated Darrington or no cricket. This drives almost everyone, apart from Will, into the arms of mixed-sex cricket. After the meeting, Rex wants to have a look at the email and Carpet runs off. Did he fake the Darrington threat? Very sneaky, PC Carpet…
Later, at the shop, Carpet is cornered again by Lynda about speeding in the village. She also wants to know about the legality of using anonymous identities on line. What does she have in mind?
Kirsty, eventually having some time off after her breakdown with Helen, is met at the doorstep by Jazzer, toting a “Tango and Cash” dvd and a mountain of snacks. She is weirdly cheered up by the terrible film – a film nominated for three Razzies, including Worst Actor for Stallone and Worst Supporting Actress for Kurt Russel (he was in drag for some of the film).
Justin calls Lillian and wants to meet her at the Dower House. “I’m sorry that it’s happened this way.” Lillian waits for the inevitable. “The last few days with Miranda have been rather trying.” You don’t say, Justin. It turns out that Miranda has been putting it about a bit, too – ski instructors, personal trainers and the like, but without the emotional attachment that Justin needs from his affairs. “The connection between you and me has been very special.” “Please, Justin, I’m finding this quite difficult.” Lillian is waiting for the axe to fall…then “My marriage is over – I’m going to divorce her – I want to be with you.”