• THE WEEK IN AMBRIDGE 16/10/16

    Kirsty wants to give Roy a make-over, to try and get him back in the game, dating wise. He’s kind of over Lizzie, now. It appears that he’s wearing an old football top and ‘those trousers’. Steady, girls.

    Oliver meets with Shula and tries to interest her in becoming joint Master of the Hunt. He tells he about the time commitment and also the trifling matter of the “mere thousands” that the position could cost her.

    Tony is with Johhny, asking about bachelor life at Number One, The Green. All seems to be good – apart from Tom’s smelly feet. Tony has some very explicit pictures of an old tractor on his phone – a Fordson Major that he’s seen for sale. “Blue tinwork and red wheels”. Corrrr. Johnny wants Tony to buy the old beast. “I suppose there’s no harm.” Really? What about John and the Fergie? Old tractors shouldn’t be a great memory for Tony. Maybe he’s forgotten.

    Neil is getting instructions from Susan. She’s off the low-budget ‘juice cleanse’ – mainly because Emmar has made a birthday cake for her. She’s been given glass candle sticks as a present. “What’s the point of celebrating getting older,” moans Susan. “You’ve been looking at the calendar again, haven’t you?” Susan has been getting unwanted attention from Neville Booth as a result of her baring all as Miss October. “You’re as beautiful today as the day we got married,” says Tony. “There’s quite a lot more of me now,” moans Susan. Neil tries to be encouraging, but Susan is definitely on a downward spiral, even after all that juice.

    Jill and Carol have tea. Pip is still not speaking to Jill after the Toby Fairbrother birthday tea exclusion affair. Carol feels that Jill is tarring Toby with the Grace Fairbrother brush. Jill won’t be shifted on her opinion of the wastrel Fairbrother brother and still hasn’t forgiven him for Chutneygate.

    Kate calls Lynda at Grey Gables, worried about her publicity material. Her retreat is starting to fail, what with the winter coming on. “You are filling a real spiritual void in Ambridge,” says Linda. After the call, Ian says goodbye as he’s off for two days. “I’ve been offered a new job.” They look at the website for the restaurant – it’s not in Ambridge – it’s in Edinburgh. Ian will be opening a new bistro for a named, award-winning chef.

    Neil is with the Cider Club, sorting out apples for pressing with Eddie. Neil moans on about Susan’s downer. They compare wife woes. “Keep telling her she’s beautiful.” Eddie thinks she should get involved in Apple Day. Eddie also wants to give the remains of Elf World out as prizes for Apple Day stalls like Pin The Worm on The Apple. “Most of them are broken,” says Neil on the shattered remains of the Grundy attempt to go up against the Wonderful World of Disney. “We could give them away as kits.” Always positive, is Eddie.

    Adam is loading deer feed when Kate comes over – she’s been Skyping Nollie and Sipo. Adam is a mess and Kate has theory - “You’re fighting against fate. What if Pavel and Charlie were part of your journey?” Given their shared paternal genes, she might be right. Then she drops the bombshell about Ian leaving for Edinburgh. Adam then spends the next few hours leaving desperate messages on Ian’s ansaphone, who is listening, but not picking up. “Sorry, Adam,” he says, chillingly to the machine.

    Jazzer is welding something for Tom. Tom is not hugely confident following his interview for the scholarship. Roy and Jazzer try and buck him up. Kirsty has made Rou re-dress in a dashing polo shirt and chinos (wowser) and use product (maybe a little too much) on his hair. Tom wants to go ‘clubbing’ with the others. The Ambridge Wolfpack is born. Watch out, ladies.

    Alastair is dealing with Salieri the llama’s sore tooth issue. Salieri spits at Alastair. Later, Shula talks to Alistair about the Huntsmaster offer. She’s thinking about turning it down because of the cost AND the hunt-sab incident with the Dark Lord. Alastiar turns her round and they agree to take a couple of days to think about it.

    Linda and Robert are in the Grundy-built shepherd’s hut. Worryingly, Linda is already looking at Christmas show websites, but still upset about Fallon’s usurping of the fete committee and Linda’s subsequent determination to step back from village life. Robert tries bucking her up “Who else has your flair, your commitment, your creativity?” This has the desired effect and Linda is fired up. Oh, God.

    The Evil One and Cruella are sitting defiantly on a bench on the Village Green. Cruella is uneasy. The Dark Lord has been to see a psychologist (a young woman) – “What does she know about a man’s feelings?” Rob still feels that Helen is the loony. Cruella is leaving soon, thank goodness. Rob has instructed his solicitor to fight for the right to call Jack “Gideon”. Good luck with that. Shula trots past on a horse and ignores them. “She’s being deliberately rude,” sneers Rob. Shula has told Oliver about the hunt sab incident and he’s been very sympathetic. To help cover the cost, Alastair is considering selling his practice to become part of a larger practice called Lovell James.

    Tony and Johnny are off looking at the Fordson tractor. “It looks brilliant,” enthuses Johnny. Tony is tempted. He puts Johnny in the driver’s seat (careful, Tony). “It would be an interesting project,” says Tony on the way back. Johnny finally brings up the elephant in the room - the death of John at the hands of the Fergie, just as The Grateful Dead play on the radio. Interesting choice…

    Kate is at Grey Gables, rearranging her leaflets at the carousel AND the wall-rack – the only local attraction afforded such a media blitz. Ian runs through in a hurry, off the meet a man about the washing machine. Kate tires to talk to him, but he steams past. Kate moans on about the ‘growing distance’ between her and the kids she left behind in South Africa. How did that happen then, Kate? Then she moans about Pheobe not calling from university. “I’ve nothing to do – nobody needs me.” Linda has the solution – she wants Kate as her Girl Friday and assistant director for the un-known Christmas Play – “my creative muse.” Linda reminds her of her Sleeping Beauty triumph twenty five years ago. The idea of Kate and Linda running the Christmas Show together is a disaster.

    A wreck of an Adam is in the shop, buying the Echo, served by grudging daily help Robert, who is closely overseen by Susan. Neil arrives, with the great idea of a professional family photograph to cheer Susna up. This means removing “Yachts at Sunset”, which currently hangs over the fire. “At least I’ll have my clothes on.” She wants a new outfit and a visit to Febreze’s Salon for a makeover. As usual, Neil hasn’t really thought through the cost implications of his Great Idea and how far Susan will take it.

    Adam finally gets hold of Ian and crawls and crawls and crawls. ‘I’m coming home to nothing but the results of my stupid mistakes and betrayal. Without you, I’m nothing.” He bares his heart to an initially cold Ian. Ian finally admits he has turned down the Edinburgh job – “I love you too much, you old git.” “We have a lot of work ahead.” Adam gets to move back in. I’m so pleased, but can Adam outwit his own genetic urge for extra-marital hanky-panky? Has he, unlike most of the rest of his genitally-wandering family, finally learnt his lesson?

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The Week In Ambridge

The Week In Ambridge

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I am a new listener to The Archers - my Mother started me at birth, so I have only been listening for 46 years. Apologies if I get things wrong.

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